These days I’ve had a yearning to write but I’m at a loss as to what exactly I am trying to convey. They say reviews feed a starving artists soul, but I crave for no recognition. All I long for is release from the torment of things needed to be said. Maybe love lost and gained, maybe never ending happiness. Whatever the topic, the need to release seems at most imminent. I ache with things to say, but I’m rendered incompetent by the lack of topics.
College is coming hard and fast, and most people are already leaving me to days of boredom. The statistics have people dreading school work, or hoping to make new friends but I guess my worries are a little more cliche. Whenever I got sad, I used to think instead that the flaws I harbored where the parts of me, my future man would fall in love with. The little mole on the side of my right toe, the way my bottom teeth aren’t completely aligned. The boisterousness of my laugh, or how my feet tend to stomp as I walk. I know we must all love ourselves and whatnot, but maybe my love of myself is at least a little correlated to the parts of me loved by others.
I guess the need to write has being lessened a bit, so I will leave you all with my newest love letter:
“38 seconds ago was the first text I ever sent you and as I fell in love with the way my fingers glided against the screen as I typed in your name I smiled. 38 seconds ago you opened the Snapchat somebody sent you but my messages were left unanswered. (I guess I’m starting to feel a little less confident) As I touched your name with my thumb I remember the first smile we ever shared. And how my body tingled as if the universe was telling it, it was the stars, the moon, and the sun combined. Those pearly whites showed me I could swim in the Milky Way and you would hold my stomach like I was a little kid learning to swim. 38 seconds ago I kept my phone on and waited for that familiar buzz I set to your name. 38 seconds ago I left my heart on my doorstep hoping you would pick it up and I would be whole again. My friend told me it wasn’t worth it, that my tears would not be scooped up by your everlasting fingers, my face would not be cradled by your hands. 38 seconds ago I felt my love start to wane, that first smile we shared corrupted. I imagined you as the father who would throw me headfirst into the Milky Way hoping I’d learn to swim on my own. My mother told me I love too fast and let go too quickly but I’m trying to keep my feeble heart from being broken. I skimmed my thumb over your name hoping my universe would come back reveling on that first smile, but I felt nothing. I know you gave those 38 seconds to somebody else and I hope I get to give mine too.”